The following is an extract from Bevinda Collaço newly released book titled, I’m Old, I’m Wise & I Know My Sh*t (Amaryllis, 2021), reproduced with permission. Collaço’s book is an irreverent take on life with the benefit of hindsight.

The Adrenalin Rush of That Midlife Crisis

It happens to most people and it would be futile to fight it because a midlife crisis can be a lot of fun, provided you understand from the beginning that like a firecracker, it is bright, beautiful and burns out very quickly. The trick is to make sure you don’t get burned and put at risk all that you hold dear.

This midlife crisis happens once your biological clock has stopped ticking and you are marking time to flatulence and a furry tongue. It hits both men and women. Recognise it as one last-ditch attempt to seize the day. It is one last opportunity to feel that glorious rush of romance, passion, intrigue and complete abandon. Regard it as a stab at adventure just one more time before you retire from the field.

Maybe it is something you have never done even at your most adventurous. Maybe you were too busy earning a living, building a family, making a life. Now you have done it all and you see the end of your life rushing at you like you’re in an old car and the brakes don’t work. There’s so much you have not done. There’s so much you did not dream you could do. And now suddenly it’s there before you like a brand-new map to untold treasure.

It could be a beautiful sports car, or a man who makes you feel like a beautiful woman. The very best kind of midlife crisis would be one where the man treats you like a beautiful sports car.

If your midlife crisis is buying a flashy, powerful car, remember the seat belt, write your last will and testament and enjoy your machine. If it’s a sexy man, make sure you don’t make any hasty long-term commitment. The nature of a midlife crisis is that it’s going to burn out before you know it and you don’t want to be saddled with expensive baggage.

If it is someone of your own vintage, be very careful. It could be the start of something big and beautiful, or it could burn out and burn the both of you. I think it was Lord Byron who said, ‘Love, like measles, is most dangerous when it comes late in life.’

If both parties are unattached, it’s no problem at all, but if both or one party is attached with all that baggage of spouse, children, in-laws, common friends and so on, then it’s a whole stinking mess you would do well to steer clear of. It just isn’t worth the pain. That’s the kind of mess you do not want at this point in your life.

You have one of three options if you feel that powerful attraction:

• You can walk away and never have any intimate contact at all.

• You can both agree to continue the friendship bringing the two families together and something beautiful and platonic grows out of it, with just that delicious undercurrent of romance. This is exciting but difficult because it calls for great acting prowess of both parties.

• Have a rip-roaring affair, get it out of your system and never get caught. And never, ever confess to your spouse or to anyone else. This would be easier to handle, but it takes nerves of steel. It needs meticulous planning by the two concerned parties.

You will in all probability get caught eventually, but it’s great while it lasts. It will be even greater to marvel over in your last years if you are not caught. Once you are caught, you are fucked. Worst-case scenario—you lose everything to the cheated spouse and you are a pariah to all your friends and family who love your spouse.

It doesn’t work if you are thinking long-term

After the first heady rush of discovering mutual love and passion, the rest of the world crowds in, and you cannot help but realise that the shit is really going to hit the ceiling fan if you two go public with your love. Or get caught.

If you sit down and make a list of the number of close family and friends who will be hurt or distressed by your liaison you will, on average, find at least fifty people—friends, relatives, neighbours, colleagues, who will be hurt and who will lose all respect for you.

Always remember that no matter what wild promises are made, neither of you will be willing to take the risk of hurting those closest to you. Accept that this will not last, because it cannot last. Guilt has a way of taking the fun out of a secret romance.

There’s another reason why it does not work out in so many cases. If you do happen to burn your bridges, leave your respective spouses, children, families and set up a life for yourselves when you are both in your fifties or sixties, you will have all and more of the adjustment problems of a young couple starting out.

Adjusting in old age is no fun at all. Once you cross fifty, you are set in your ways. As in the first flush of young love, you naturally project all that is good and loveable about yourself.

So does your opposite number. Remember you did the exact same thing when you were young. But the difference between you today and you as part of a young couple is that young couples can make adjustments, even radical adjustments, but older couples cannot.

There will be farting under the covers and roof-rattling snoring. There will be drool on the pillows. There will be picking up after the slob, male or female. There will be different types of music, food, and entertainment that each will want to prioritise.

There will be friends who will anyway look at the other woman or man with distrust, even dislike, because they would have known the original spouse for many years. Some close friends will even drop out of your life. Others will treat you like an outcast in case what you have is contagious and their spouses might catch it.

Sometimes sadness laced with regret sets in and that’s the worst situation to be in. Hiding, intrigue and secrecy were the best parts of the midlife crisis, but now that you have both taken the plunge, what you are left with is an ordinary relationship between a man and a woman.

Chores still have to be done. Bills still have to be paid. The sex wasn’t all that great to start with and you find you have exchanged only one part of your earlier equation. The problem remains the same. If your marriage did not work out the first time around, remember, you were one half of that failed marriage and you carry that one half into the new relationship.

If love has to come late in life, let it be between two unattached friends. Not between two attached ones.

Now if both are attached and both agree that this will be a no-strings attached affair that will die a natural death, you could have the time of your life, provided, I stress again, you don’t get caught. Also provided that you don’t find yourself covered in guilt and have to make the Grand Confession. Never make the grand confession.

The grand confession only makes bad worse. Keep your indiscretions to yourself because there is no point served in spreading misery. If there are suspicions and you are accused, lie and lie again. You will feel guilt, but that’s the price you have to pay for that one brief adventure when you flew so close to the sun and survived. Anyway, guilt is good for the soul.

Bevinda Collaço has been a journalist, agony aunt and media person for more than forty years, with only two measly death threats to her credit, but lots of God’s blessings from others. Then she became a grandmother in 2016 and began writing this book for women of all age groups. She lives in Goa, India.

Print version to be released soon. The ebook of I’m Old, I’m Wise & I Know My Sh*t  is available for purchase here. Or use ISBN 9789390924769 if purchasing on Amazon Kindle outside India.

The banner image is by Dolson and downloaded from Unsplash.com